Sixteen and Wise?

On Friday, April 10, 1998, we celebrated the sixteenth birthday of Scooter the Siamese Cat (he's 80 in cat years). After a rough start (at 6:30am Scooter was escorted to the garage after throwing up), the day was a great success. Scooter got his favorite food -- thin-sliced deli turkey -- for every meal and received much petting and adulation. In light of achieving his advanced age in such fine form, I thought it might be fun to share some of Scooter's secrets, based on my observations.

Scooter's Secrets for Living Long and Looking Good

Be born with great looks.

Trust as few humans as possible.

Humans have a weakness for cuteness. Exploit it.

Humans are impressed with great athletic ability. Impress them.

Only sleep with humans you trust. Transfer all your parasitic insects (ticks, fleas, and chiggers) to your bedmates.

Make a sound like a 300-pound mountain lion to intimidate your enemies. Then attack. (Make sure you have someone to cover your medical bills when this ploy fails.)

Eat grass and throw up to cleanse your digestive system.

If a human bedmate has facial hair, snuggle up as tightly as possible to his facial hair in cold weather.

Eat salmon daily.

Eat a baby rabbit every spring.

Sprint 50 yards after a bowel movement.

Climb a tree every day.

If you want to get someone out of bed, lick his face. If that doesn't work, walk on him.

Nap several times a day, preferably in a lap.

Stretch your muscles and spine 24 times a day.

Stay in bed on cloudy, rainy days. When the weather is sunny, have an adventure.

Get a massage at every opportunity.

Moving vehicles are dangerous, watch them diligently. Never turn your back on a human or a dog, especially large, foul-smelling males.

If an unknown something larger than you is coming your way -- run. If something smaller than you runs away -- chase it.

Hide and seek and ambush games are fun at any age.

A chunk bitten out of your ear looks cool (Scooter had it before Evander).